A human being who just happens to be a female one

I told you here how my youth shaped my perception of me as a woman.

I also realized while thinking about this that before I moved to the Gulf, I never really saw myself as a woman specifically. I mean, I am a woman, I look like one, I doll up sometimes for special occasions (but certainly not everyday) but mostly I see myself as a human being who just happens to be a female, the same way I am a human being who just happens to have blue eyes.

Actually, maybe my blue eyes define me more than my gender, because my blue eyes are not the product of chance, both my parents have fair eyes, while me being a woman is a matter of chance.

I have been fascinated how often in this region I have heard sentences like “Women usually are more...” or “Men tend to be less...” It’s not the fact that people might say those sentences, it’s the fact that people think like those description are a product of nature, and not the result of experience, that drives me nuts.

I don’t have a stereotypical approach to gender. I don’t believe mothers are necessarily better parents than fathers. I think my father was a better parent to me than my mother. Although my grand-parents already didn't have a stereotypical approach to gender (my aunt told me my grandpa was cooking on Sundays, while my grandma was taking the kids to church), my father probably grew up in a society where men thought taking care of the children was more a woman’s job but at some point of his life my father must have realized that wasn’t true. My life as a child improved when my father realized this. I wish he had realized sooner. The way I am behaving as a parent is much more influenced by my father's behavior who was nurturing and kind, than by my mother's behavior, who was distant and discouraging.

Growing up, I never thought some things were out of my reach because I was a female. Even in the West, it’s actually not entirely true. We have equal rights, yes, but still not equal opportunities. Motherhood is a central issue but now, more and more you actually hear women who were hired or promoted while they were pregnant or while their children were toddlers. More and more you hear about men compromising with their careers for the sake of their wife's career.

But then moving to this region, I have really hurt more than once from this particular spot. Several times, I have seen how people have treated me based on the fact I was a woman, not to my advantage. I can see how people don’t take me seriously because I am a woman, despite the education and the work experience. I recently saw the documentary about Ruth Bader Ginsburg and she puts it quite right "Women are expected to make pin money."

When I was married, I lost my job more than once on the idea that I didn't really need that job to live, it was just easier to let me go rather than someone who needed his job to support his family. I suspect it was also acceptable to pay me less than a man with the same experience. This ended up being a serious burden on my happiness, I am not the kind to take it easily to lose a job I am doing well. And now that I am divorced, men I approach for a job, sometimes have better ideas of what they could do with me. I understand some might feel lonely, I don't blame them, but I wish they could keep things relatively separate. Just to be clear, my friend, I come for a job.

 It’s been absolutely fascinating to watch. It makes looking for a job an emotional obstacle course, all those potholes to dodge. It sometimes feels like a curse to be a woman in this region. The region passes on so much talent with those outdated ideas.

But all this isn’t about me. I really think that this region is just so much better than the current situation. I think your religion is just so much better than what some people have made of it. The Prophet married a woman who had her own business, who was richer than he was and older than he was. How could his life justify a stereotypical approach to gender? Prophet Muhammad gave women some rights when they didn’t have any. Instead of freezing things to the reforms that were acceptable in his time, it would make sense to me if the Islamic world actually decided to complete what the Prophet started.

I hope that in the next few years, all this will be reconsidered. Not just in the Islamic world. People like Jair Bolsonaro are reviving a rhetoric according to which women are the weaker gender. That’s what weak men usually do to brag in the eyes of other weak men.

I hope a time will come for a whole new approach to those questions. What we see now is just the beginning. As a woman sometimes, I am uncomfortable watching some of the ways feminism is currently being expressed in the West, how men are being demonized. Too often, I think women lose battles not because of anything men do, but just because we within ourselves think we are weak, because we agree to limit ourselves.

And if I ever have a say in this new approach, I will just say this as an entry point: please see me I am a human being, a human being with certain talents, a human being who just happens to be a female one. With blue eyes.